OH! my heart is so troubled and heavy.
It is sooo very hard-this journey. My heart.
I am so bothered by the fact that we just don't know what is going on with this adoption. It's been a month since we were told that instead of us going into staffing we were going into unknown territory.
We really thought, well, ok, we will be waiting this out and see what God will do.
That has been our thinking thus far and now that we have just waited and waited for over a month it seems that our wait is never ending and we just can't understand what God is doing.
Alot of it doesn't make sense to us-yet we believe in the things that we cannot see.
However, it's getting kinda hard to believe for these children knowing that they now must have a relative in place to proceed towards placement.
It really bothers my heart when I think things like- this person is living our life. Those were suppose to be our children and now we are just left.
I am starting to wonder if we are going to be here another month? a month from that? six months from that? It is driving me crazy-when do you just say enough! Lord! Either come to our rescue or move mountains or close the door.
Its so easy to look at our situation and say well when they called to tell us that instead of our staffing-they were pursuing a relative, to not look at that as a closed door.
However, I had a peace about it when our worker spoke to us. I can't describe it- just a peace about the situation. I took that to believe in WHAT GOD CAN DO. I thought well, it's not over until God says it's over.
Today I am having trouble sticking to that. I am having trouble believing that this is STILL our journey.
It bothers the daylight out of me to believe for these kids when a relative is involved. It is almost maddening. How are we suppose to pray? God is no respecter of persons. I can't ask HIM for favor when knowing they could be too. I can't really ask that God moves in these kid's lives and allow us the privilege of adopting, if?, and while there are relatives that could provide for them.
Then I think well maybe they aren't praying. Maybe they aren't even believers. Then I pray-Lord please don't let them be taken into a home that can not witness of your love for them and the world. I think alot about that-whether they are believers or not.
It would be sooo darn awful if we never got to parent these kids and they grow up in a home that does not teach them that Jesus loves them more than Himself.
That HE has a purpose and a hope for them.
That HE placed them before HIS thoughts on Calvary some 2000 years ago.
Just such a heavy place to be- not liking very much the things that are revealed in my heart either.
I don't like thinking these thoughts about someone I don't even know.
I don't have an ill thought towards them-that's what feels so heavy is that I don't want to have thoughts about them that are twisted stuff, garbage that damages my soul.
I think about the possibility that maybe they aren't believers and it's starts getting heavy. Really heavy.
That itself becomes the battle for me. It's like I am going to battle for these kids b/c I don't know but they could be really strong believers and then I would have done it all for not.
All just b/c we are just left. Left to figure this out.
Our worker just happens to be gone on maternity leave sooooooooooo she won't be back in our lives for months. There is no one to take her place b/c we live in the most rural place we could possibly live. She has been at her position for less than 6 mos.
Before her- there was no one.
Before that-we had a worker that seemed like she knew her position and seemed as if she was working for us however we STILL have yet to adopt.
I dreamed of our meeting these children.
I have dreamt about seeing them for the first time, and just cried and cried b/c I felt like we would never get there.
I have looked at their pictures 1000 x a minute each and every day. Longing to meet them, longing to touch them, wrap my arms around them. Tell them how very much we have wanted them.
How not one day went by that we were not praying, asking, pleading the Lord for them.
Then all of a sudden I start to feel bad, for longing for these children when apparently they have a relative involved with them.
For longing for these children whom have someone to hold them, care for them, teach them about the eternal love of Jesus, laughing with them, hearing there voices call them by name.
All of the priceless moments that I, we are sooo longing to do.... and be a part of.
I am not in this alone. My husband is right here with me. His heart is just as lost as mine.
We are not ready to give up. We do need some answers. I can't imagine that we will be in this place another month from now. I PRAY we are not. If we are to give up and move on- then we will. We just need the knowing. We need the conformation from our Savior and King Jesus Christ. Please come Savior King-Oh Jesus tell us what to do.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Miracle Before Eyes
Hello Family-
I can't help but Glorify My ADONAI! , my ADONAI!
I just can't help but sing that song today by TobyMac. You got me feelin so fly! Yep, that is me these days. I fly about my Adonai!
I have decided that I would post about my brother and his accident, not b/c of my perspective of it all but b/c when I derived at this blog I wanted it to be an expression of me to my kids. Something that even our kids that live on their own could get ahold of- they can still hear me so to speak even if they don't live here.
My brother was in an awful accident on Thursday Oct. 14th, 2010. That day happened to be mine and Allan's errand day and so we started our day off early driving to St. Joe to grocery shop and run errands. We arrived back home and then ate lunch and then drove over to Maryville w/ Nate and Vallan to get them some needed clothing. We had a great time and everything seemed peaceful. Allan even got a new job b/c I wore the Allan Jensen Ceramic t-shirt and a woman in the check line asked if he did floors and soon he had a new job. Hallelujah Jesus! love when that happens.
So, after shopping we went for ice cream then headed home. We turned in our driveway when Nate said mom i hear your phone. Sure enough, my phone beeped and I had a message. I am really, really, really Thanking the Lord that I got the message then and NOT when we were in Maryville.
My sister called to tell me there was an accident please call her back. So i did. My brother had an accident on the tractor and so then my mom got on to tell me the rest of the story.
My brother, Chris was takin hay to his horses and since the clutch in his truck went out he couldn't use it that day and needed to use the tractor. Mom said he was going to go by himself that day and she thought about it and told him she would go with him. THANK GOD!
So he was loading a bale of hay on the forks on the front of his tractor and once he got through the gates needed to turn so he turned the tires and started to turn- he had the forks raised b/c he had a bale on the front. Just as he turned a front tire blew out and it threw him forward, he grabbed the wheel quickly and tried to bale out from the tractor just as he did his jeans got caught on something- he doesn't know what his jeans caught on exactly but it held his body there as the tractor flipped completely over.
Mom saw this and ran to him trying to see him. When she did she saw the tractor on top of him and the bar of the tractor was across his mid-section starting at his right hip and clear across his abdomen up to his left rib case it was smashing him.
He was trying to hold the tractor off him as best he could and he said he only had enough breathe in him to tell her to go away cause he didn't want her to see what was going to happen to him. he said he knew he was not going to make it. He said " God help me " and then used a finger to point to mom go over there.
She said he began to turn purple and then she yelled, " Lord what am I suppose to do? " Just then she heard the name Tim. She got in her car and drove across town where she Tim was working in his field, he was using his bobcat and so she asked him if he could bring the bobcat and help rescue her son.
He got another guy to go with him and he came to my brother w/his bobcat and began a rescue.
My mom said that she got down in my brothers face and was calling him by name and there was no response.
He was the ugliest color of purple she had ever seen. he was unresponsive and not breathing and said that tractor looked like it had cut him in half.
It was pressing down on his abdomen so much it made him literally flat.
Mom said all of a sudden the towns people of Gravity, Iowa just started appearing and began to help in the rescue attempts. Mom called 911 when she went to get help, and they still weren't there yet.
So the towns people worked together and used that bobcat to lift the tractor off my brother and by the Grace and Mercy of God they lifted it off slowly, little by little until some of the dark started to leave my brothers complexion.
Mom then got down in his face and started to slap him and call out his name. Tim then called everyone to gather round and pray so they did.
Mom said it was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen- the town of Gravity all linked hands, linked hearts and prayed for the giver of life to Give. HE DID!
Mom said his eyes started to move and then he opened them and the praises started. The towns people all began to shout and just marvel at God's Almighty at work right before their eyes.
Soon the ambulance got there and took over the rescue and life-flight was called. They had a hard time that day with the winds so they ended up taking him to Des Moines, Iowa instead of Omaha. It ended up taking around 2 hrs. from the time the accident happened to when he did get put on the helicopter to Des Moines.
This is the time when I spoke w/Mom on the phone- they were waiting for the life-flight to get there. He was in the ambulance and they had him stable.
After getting off the phone w/mom I called all my kids to tell them and we began making plans to head to the hospital.
We were able to get everything lined up and began our drive towards Bethany. After getting on I-35 we got a call from my sister who said the hospital called to tell her that the CAT Scan showed NO broken bones, No internal bleeding, everything cleared and they would keep him for observation. What a miracle-working God we serve. I tell you what a miracle!
We arrived at the hospital after driving 2.5 hrs. I didn't think we would ever get there, you know that feeling? We found his room and I went in- they were just getting him moved in there from ER and so they asked me to wait about 10 mins. they would be done and I could visit him. I went ahead and walked in the room just to take a look at him- I was expecting the worse (like I would know what that would look like, right?)
I told him I would be back so off to find Mom and Dad. They were in the waiting room on the trauma floor and so we joined them. Before long they gave us permission to go visit him. So
Idid!
The first thing my brother said to me was, " Sis, who breathed in me? " I said, " no one did, Chris! " I said, " no one gave you CPR. " He said, " Yes, someone breathed in me, I remember." I said, " You know WHO breathed in you. " He said, " then if Tim didn't, mom didn't then that only leaves God! " I said, " YES! it does" Hallelujah Jesus!
He had quite alot of bruising on his legs, stomach, hips, across his back and on his head. Nothing broken, nothing out of place, nothing. He did have ALOT of pain so the staff began giving him pain meds. He talked, shared what he remembered and was speechless about ALL that the Lord hath done. He looked pretty swollen to me like in the head, eyes and neck area. He also looked swollen in the stomach. He also had alot of darkness around his eyes, up on his forehead. Looked like he might have black eyes appear in a day or so. Probably b/c he was without oxygen for several minutes. After visiting a hour or so with him drifting in and out of sleep. Some friends ( Josh ( toad), Josh Blake and his wife Jessica) from home came up to see him and they were down right shocked that he looked so G-O-O-D! it is just so awesome.
We were there until around 1ish. We decided to just go on home, Chris was getting his pain under control and he would need to rest so we headed for home.
I can't help but Glorify My ADONAI! , my ADONAI!
I just can't help but sing that song today by TobyMac. You got me feelin so fly! Yep, that is me these days. I fly about my Adonai!
I have decided that I would post about my brother and his accident, not b/c of my perspective of it all but b/c when I derived at this blog I wanted it to be an expression of me to my kids. Something that even our kids that live on their own could get ahold of- they can still hear me so to speak even if they don't live here.
My brother was in an awful accident on Thursday Oct. 14th, 2010. That day happened to be mine and Allan's errand day and so we started our day off early driving to St. Joe to grocery shop and run errands. We arrived back home and then ate lunch and then drove over to Maryville w/ Nate and Vallan to get them some needed clothing. We had a great time and everything seemed peaceful. Allan even got a new job b/c I wore the Allan Jensen Ceramic t-shirt and a woman in the check line asked if he did floors and soon he had a new job. Hallelujah Jesus! love when that happens.
So, after shopping we went for ice cream then headed home. We turned in our driveway when Nate said mom i hear your phone. Sure enough, my phone beeped and I had a message. I am really, really, really Thanking the Lord that I got the message then and NOT when we were in Maryville.
My sister called to tell me there was an accident please call her back. So i did. My brother had an accident on the tractor and so then my mom got on to tell me the rest of the story.
My brother, Chris was takin hay to his horses and since the clutch in his truck went out he couldn't use it that day and needed to use the tractor. Mom said he was going to go by himself that day and she thought about it and told him she would go with him. THANK GOD!
So he was loading a bale of hay on the forks on the front of his tractor and once he got through the gates needed to turn so he turned the tires and started to turn- he had the forks raised b/c he had a bale on the front. Just as he turned a front tire blew out and it threw him forward, he grabbed the wheel quickly and tried to bale out from the tractor just as he did his jeans got caught on something- he doesn't know what his jeans caught on exactly but it held his body there as the tractor flipped completely over.
Mom saw this and ran to him trying to see him. When she did she saw the tractor on top of him and the bar of the tractor was across his mid-section starting at his right hip and clear across his abdomen up to his left rib case it was smashing him.
He was trying to hold the tractor off him as best he could and he said he only had enough breathe in him to tell her to go away cause he didn't want her to see what was going to happen to him. he said he knew he was not going to make it. He said " God help me " and then used a finger to point to mom go over there.
She said he began to turn purple and then she yelled, " Lord what am I suppose to do? " Just then she heard the name Tim. She got in her car and drove across town where she Tim was working in his field, he was using his bobcat and so she asked him if he could bring the bobcat and help rescue her son.
He got another guy to go with him and he came to my brother w/his bobcat and began a rescue.
My mom said that she got down in my brothers face and was calling him by name and there was no response.
He was the ugliest color of purple she had ever seen. he was unresponsive and not breathing and said that tractor looked like it had cut him in half.
It was pressing down on his abdomen so much it made him literally flat.
Mom said all of a sudden the towns people of Gravity, Iowa just started appearing and began to help in the rescue attempts. Mom called 911 when she went to get help, and they still weren't there yet.
So the towns people worked together and used that bobcat to lift the tractor off my brother and by the Grace and Mercy of God they lifted it off slowly, little by little until some of the dark started to leave my brothers complexion.
Mom then got down in his face and started to slap him and call out his name. Tim then called everyone to gather round and pray so they did.
Mom said it was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen- the town of Gravity all linked hands, linked hearts and prayed for the giver of life to Give. HE DID!
Mom said his eyes started to move and then he opened them and the praises started. The towns people all began to shout and just marvel at God's Almighty at work right before their eyes.
Soon the ambulance got there and took over the rescue and life-flight was called. They had a hard time that day with the winds so they ended up taking him to Des Moines, Iowa instead of Omaha. It ended up taking around 2 hrs. from the time the accident happened to when he did get put on the helicopter to Des Moines.
This is the time when I spoke w/Mom on the phone- they were waiting for the life-flight to get there. He was in the ambulance and they had him stable.
After getting off the phone w/mom I called all my kids to tell them and we began making plans to head to the hospital.
We were able to get everything lined up and began our drive towards Bethany. After getting on I-35 we got a call from my sister who said the hospital called to tell her that the CAT Scan showed NO broken bones, No internal bleeding, everything cleared and they would keep him for observation. What a miracle-working God we serve. I tell you what a miracle!
We arrived at the hospital after driving 2.5 hrs. I didn't think we would ever get there, you know that feeling? We found his room and I went in- they were just getting him moved in there from ER and so they asked me to wait about 10 mins. they would be done and I could visit him. I went ahead and walked in the room just to take a look at him- I was expecting the worse (like I would know what that would look like, right?)
I told him I would be back so off to find Mom and Dad. They were in the waiting room on the trauma floor and so we joined them. Before long they gave us permission to go visit him. So
Idid!
The first thing my brother said to me was, " Sis, who breathed in me? " I said, " no one did, Chris! " I said, " no one gave you CPR. " He said, " Yes, someone breathed in me, I remember." I said, " You know WHO breathed in you. " He said, " then if Tim didn't, mom didn't then that only leaves God! " I said, " YES! it does" Hallelujah Jesus!
He had quite alot of bruising on his legs, stomach, hips, across his back and on his head. Nothing broken, nothing out of place, nothing. He did have ALOT of pain so the staff began giving him pain meds. He talked, shared what he remembered and was speechless about ALL that the Lord hath done. He looked pretty swollen to me like in the head, eyes and neck area. He also looked swollen in the stomach. He also had alot of darkness around his eyes, up on his forehead. Looked like he might have black eyes appear in a day or so. Probably b/c he was without oxygen for several minutes. After visiting a hour or so with him drifting in and out of sleep. Some friends ( Josh ( toad), Josh Blake and his wife Jessica) from home came up to see him and they were down right shocked that he looked so G-O-O-D! it is just so awesome.
We were there until around 1ish. We decided to just go on home, Chris was getting his pain under control and he would need to rest so we headed for home.
Friday, October 8, 2010
We are still here!
Really quick update. I am just about to pop out the door, but wanted to update. For your FYI- we have been selected as 1 of 2 families, and our staffing was scheduled for Sept. 20. We spent the day trying to busy ourselves with life and anything else we could stuff in their to keep our minds off the clock. We counted down the minutes and then...........after expecting a phone call got- nothing. Yep, Nada! So, we tried to keep a positive mindset, went to bed w/ the dream still tucked in our hearts. We have asked our dearest friends to pray for us-
the next day-late in the day like 5 o'clock. We got a phone call from our Adoption Specialist and she is let's just say she was tested in patience herself. They ended up NOT having our staffing, they called it off ONLY THEY FORGOT TO TELL OUR WORKER! yep gulp!
So, this is it. The other family involved backed out! Well- that would be great however, the judge was presented with this case and court ordered a family member be sought out first.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So again we are heartbroken. We were told a family member expressed an interest in the children and so they are going to take all measures to make it work for them. The one thing is the children's' team doesn't want these kids leaving the state and the family member lives in another state which only complicates things for them and for the case. When you have two states working on an adoption it is called a Interstate compact. These are somewhat of difficult to work with, as they can take A-LONG-TIME! So, once again these kids wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is absolutely no words to say! We are kinda in a place where we had a bad dream and although we have woke up still feel like we are in the dream and we need to make it right before we wake up. does that make sense?? prob. not b/c none of this makes any sense.
We were sooooo close this time and still don't really know where that leaves us................. we have expressed thru our worker that we are still interested in these kids if something should change- so now we are just praying that something changes and our dream of parenting these kids still prevails in our hearts.
So I must go for now. I will post more when I know more. God is so good and HIS goodness lasts forever, so we are encouraged by HIM who holds the universe in HIS' HANDS. We must trust that HE IS GOD and that HE WILL bring our children to us...........................
God Bless and Grace Grace
the next day-late in the day like 5 o'clock. We got a phone call from our Adoption Specialist and she is let's just say she was tested in patience herself. They ended up NOT having our staffing, they called it off ONLY THEY FORGOT TO TELL OUR WORKER! yep gulp!
So, this is it. The other family involved backed out! Well- that would be great however, the judge was presented with this case and court ordered a family member be sought out first.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So again we are heartbroken. We were told a family member expressed an interest in the children and so they are going to take all measures to make it work for them. The one thing is the children's' team doesn't want these kids leaving the state and the family member lives in another state which only complicates things for them and for the case. When you have two states working on an adoption it is called a Interstate compact. These are somewhat of difficult to work with, as they can take A-LONG-TIME! So, once again these kids wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is absolutely no words to say! We are kinda in a place where we had a bad dream and although we have woke up still feel like we are in the dream and we need to make it right before we wake up. does that make sense?? prob. not b/c none of this makes any sense.
We were sooooo close this time and still don't really know where that leaves us................. we have expressed thru our worker that we are still interested in these kids if something should change- so now we are just praying that something changes and our dream of parenting these kids still prevails in our hearts.
So I must go for now. I will post more when I know more. God is so good and HIS goodness lasts forever, so we are encouraged by HIM who holds the universe in HIS' HANDS. We must trust that HE IS GOD and that HE WILL bring our children to us...........................
God Bless and Grace Grace
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